September 15, 2019 will mark the 2nd heavenly birthday of my first born son Christopher. I can’t believe how fast the past two years have flown by! We miss Chris so much and although Rose Mary and I live pretty normal lives, actually we live very blessed lives, we still have outbursts of sorrow and disbelief in all that could and should have been. Thank you again to all of you who show great concern for our well- being and for talking about Chris. We never want to stop being able to bring him up in conversation. That said, in this month’s reflection I will share my heart with you about my love and thankfulness for my second born son Nicholas.

The above photo is a sign my wife Rose Mary made for Nicholas so that he would know how important he is to us. Since Nick moved back to Vancouver in May 2018, from college in Southern California, we’ve had fun surprising him by placing this sign in different places around our home as another reminder of how much he is loved. We ‘grieved’ when Nick first moved away in 2014, so we are thrilled to have Nick back home full time.

About one year before Chris passed, I thanked Nick for the relationship he and I were developing. I explained to him that although I naturally bonded with Chris through sports, I was so appreciative of how intimate he and I were becoming. “Nick, you are a very special young man! You communicate with mom and me far more than the average son typically does. Chris is really distancing himself from us. I understand why this is happening but I miss the close connection he and I once had. So thank you Nick for being so engaging and willing to connect with me.”

From a very early age, Nick displayed many incredible gifts. He is extremely smart, a great communicator, incredibly kind-hearted, and passionate for the arts, especially musical theatre. Nick is not gifted in athletics and has little to no desire to participate in them. I mistakenly tried to force Nick to play sports because of my and Chris’ natural love for them so I thought Nick should play them as well. This caused friction in our relationship. Nick perceived that he wasn’t ‘good enough’ in my eyes if he wasn’t an athlete. I greatly regret that I did this to my son and I have apologized many times. Over the years, Nick has helped me learn to appreciate other interests besides sports and business. I have learned to thoroughly enjoy musical theatre and I have come to value my son very much for who he is.

As we raised our sons, Chris and I naturally spent more time together as did Rose Mary and Nick. I do have regrets that it took so many years before Nick and I really started to connect and I wouldn’t blame him for feeling some resentment towards Chris, though he has never verbally communicated this. So I try to imagine how Nick could have felt, and could still be feeling after Chris died. For months, everything was about Chris. And then, every month dad (me) sends out a ‘Living in Faith’ reflection with a major focus on Chris! Honestly, I have thought of not writing or publicly sharing these monthly reflections or, at minimum, taking Nick off this monthly reflection email so he doesn’t have to read about Chris, Chris, Chris! I will explain my reasoning.

Weeks after Chris died, Rose Mary and I had a very enlightening encounter with a couple, Fred and Hani, that we met through our kids’ school. Their son Arno was a few years older than Chris and he helped coach Chris’ high school volleyball team. Unfortunately, Arno died in a tragic auto accident in Australia in 2009. Our close friend Paul arranged a visit for us with Arno’s parents and for three hours Fred and Hani shared the grief they’d endured and lessons they’d learned through the death of their son. Probably the most compelling thing we gained from them that day was the following:“Some time after Arno’s death, during various conversations with our three surviving children, a few things were pointed out to us that made us realize that we were becoming guilty of talking only in a positive light about Arno (and doing a lot of it). This created an illusion that Arno must have been perfect and we were neglecting our living children with their positive characteristics and accomplishments.”

Wow, Rose Mary and I were blown away by Fred and Hani’s honesty and we have thought about this warning often since our talk. I know I am sometimes guilty of falling into the same trap and likely many parents unknowingly neglect affirming all their children, especially when one child dies or requires a special amount of a parent’s focus for a particular need. So, I tell you all right now Chris had flaws and he definitely wasn’t perfect! I am mostly focusing on and sharing only positive attributes and experiences of Chris, and I am trying to privately do the same with Nick, Rose Mary and my other loved ones.

So, back to my son Nick…
“Nick, you are SO LOVED by me. I will continue to write these reflections as many people thank me for sharing because it helps give them perspective in their own lives. My writings also really help me in my daily living. If Chris were still alive, he definitely wouldn’t let me write about him. If you had died, I would be writing about you (because you couldn’t stop me from doing so ☺). Seriously, you and I will hopefully have many years ahead of us to grow our relationship, to enjoy cool experiences and to create awesome memories. I truly believe you and I will partner in some capacity together to be a blessing to many people. Thank you Nick for the grace you’ve shown me despite my flaws. I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!”