Marie ????? – Part 2
It had been less than one week since Chris’ passing when Marie and her family joined us to share in the abundance of food that so many people had brought to our home. (It still amazes me to remember the outpouring of love so many of you showered upon us during this time). Here I was, in the depths of grieving the loss of my first-born son, and I cried out that I couldn’t stand the thought of our daughter-in-law Marie eventually remarrying another man! Marie’s mother Eva was sitting beside me and calmly told me, “Slow down Chad, you’re thinking way too far ahead. Just live each day as it comes!”
Thinking ahead and planning for the future is who I am; it’s what I do professionally. So it was natural for me to already be thinking
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Marie ????? – Part 2
It had been less than one week since Chris’ passing when Marie and her family joined us to share in the abundance of food that so many people had brought to our home. (It still amazes me to remember the outpouring of love so many of you showered upon us during this time). Here I was, in the depths of grieving the loss of my first-born son, and I cried out that I couldn’t stand the thought of our daughter-in-law Marie eventually remarrying another man! Marie’s mother Eva was sitting beside me and calmly told me, “Slow down Chad, you’re thinking way too far ahead. Just live each day as it comes!”
Thinking ahead and planning for the future is who I am; it’s what I do professionally. So it was natural for me to already be thinking
of Marie’s future, and possibly our future without her. However, Eva was correct in encouraging me to slow down my worrying about what that future would look like. Thankfully, I have learned that replacing worry with faith is a much healthier way to live, although it is not always easy to practise.
It has been 15 months since Chris’ passing and our relationship with Marie has become closer than before Chris died. She regularly attends Ekren family dinners and special events. She feels that my niece Katie is like a sister to her, and Marie has joined us on several family vacations. In fact, as I write this, we are vacationing together with Marie and her family over the Christmas break. We have mourned together and are now helping one another learn how to adjust to our ‘new normal’.
Despite all the blessings Marie has brought to our lives, I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t admit that I often think of the following scenarios:
➢ Slowly, the photographs and memories of Chris will leave Marie’s (and formerly Chris’) home.
➢ The accepted invites for family dinners or vacations will become less.
➢ Marie’s love for Chris will fade, especially when she falls in love with a new man that she commits her future life to. It has to and it needs to! However, that doesn’t ease my jealous thoughts that my son was once the love of Marie’s life, but is no longer.
➢ Hopefully Marie will be blessed with children, who will come from a new husband and not from our son Chris. Rose Mary and I will be happy for Marie, and will hopefully fall in love with her children, but we will likely always wonder about our own blood grandchildren that would have come from Chris and Marie.
I’m not ashamed of sharing my feelings in writing as I believe it is healthy to be vulnerable with people. My fears are truly how I feel, and I’ve learned long ago that feelings are neither right nor wrong; they are simply how we feel. However, what is right or wrong is how we act on our feelings. So in that light, what am I to do with my fears and feelings? I will do my best to explain what I hope will happen. When Chris first started dating Marie, she was our son’s girlfriend. When they married, Marie
became our daughter-in-law. Soon after Chris died, Rose Mary told Marie that she was now our ‘daughter-in-love’. I love this affectionate term for our sweet Marie and I am sure it is how we will reference her to others for years to come. However, mentally and emotionally, I feel that I need to view Marie as if she were my own true blood daughter. I believe that for me to not allow jealously to control me, I need to try and love Marie like her own dad David does. Every normal dad wants what’s best for his daughter…for her to find a husband who will truly love, protect and provide for her. A loving father isn’t jealous of such a man if his daughter is fortunate to find that person. So, this is my calling when it comes to my relationship with Marie.
No one can guarantee what our future relationship with Marie will look like, however:
➢ In faith, I choose to ‘release’ Marie as she is no longer ‘Chris’ girl’.
➢ In faith, I choose to live with the hope and the trust that Marie will be blessed with a man who can accept and enjoy her ‘first love’s’ extended family.
➢ In faith, I choose to try and love Marie as if she were my own daughter.
That’s why I call these writings, and view my life as ‘Living In Faith’.
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
Hebrews 11:1 (New Living Translation)
of Marie’s future, and possibly our future without her. However, Eva was correct in encouraging me to slow down my worrying about what that future would look like. Thankfully, I have learned that replacing worry with faith is a much healthier way to live, although it is not always easy to practise.
It has been 15 months since Chris’ passing and our relationship with Marie has become closer than before Chris died. She regularly attends Ekren family dinners and special events. She feels that my niece Katie is like a sister to her, and Marie has joined us on several family vacations. In fact, as I write this, we are vacationing together with Marie and her family over the Christmas break. We have mourned together and are now helping one another learn how to adjust to our ‘new normal’.
Despite all the blessings Marie has brought to our lives, I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t admit that I often think of the following scenarios:
➢ Slowly, the photographs and memories of Chris will leave Marie’s (and formerly Chris’) home.
➢ The accepted invites for family dinners or vacations will become less.
➢ Marie’s love for Chris will fade, especially when she falls in love with a new man that she commits her future life to. It has to and it needs to! However, that doesn’t ease my jealous thoughts that my son was once the love of Marie’s life, but is no longer.
➢ Hopefully Marie will be blessed with children, who will come from a new husband and not from our son Chris. Rose Mary and I will be happy for Marie, and will hopefully fall in love with her children, but we will likely always wonder about our own blood grandchildren that would have come from Chris and Marie.
I’m not ashamed of sharing my feelings in writing as I believe it is healthy to be vulnerable with people. My fears are truly how I feel, and I’ve learned long ago that feelings are neither right nor wrong; they are simply how we feel. However, what is right or wrong is how we act on our feelings. So in that light, what am I to do with my fears and feelings? I will do my best to explain what I hope will happen. When Chris first started dating Marie, she was our son’s girlfriend. When they married, Marie
became our daughter-in-law. Soon after Chris died, Rose Mary told Marie that she was now our ‘daughter-in-love’. I love this affectionate term for our sweet Marie and I am sure it is how we will reference her to others for years to come. However, mentally and emotionally, I feel that I need to view Marie as if she were my own true blood daughter. I believe that for me to not allow jealously to control me, I need to try and love Marie like her own dad David does. Every normal dad wants what’s best for his daughter…for her to find a husband who will truly love, protect and provide for her. A loving father isn’t jealous of such a man if his daughter is fortunate to find that person. So, this is my calling when it comes to my relationship with Marie.
No one can guarantee what our future relationship with Marie will look like, however:
➢ In faith, I choose to ‘release’ Marie as she is no longer ‘Chris’ girl’.
➢ In faith, I choose to live with the hope and the trust that Marie will be blessed with a man who can accept and enjoy her ‘first love’s’ extended family.
➢ In faith, I choose to try and love Marie as if she were my own daughter.
That’s why I call these writings, and view my life as ‘Living In Faith’.
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
Hebrews 11:1 (New Living Translation)